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Monday, May 26, 2008

Another post from the e-mail inbox

It's the unofficial first weekend of summer, a time for relaxing (or so I'm told)...which means taking the easy way out with a post originating in e-mails from non-blogging members of my family - the first two are from my sister, the last one from my uncle.

This one's poaching on Laurie's "Monday Morning HR Humor" turf again, but hopefully she'll forgive me. (You never want to be on HR's bad side.)

Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower, just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $1000 to drop that towel."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her a thousand dollars and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $1000 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest offered a lift to a nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.

But changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized. "Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of PiƱa Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.

A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


From the "Things that make you go...huh?" files:

1. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

2. So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

4. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

7. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety-one"?

8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

9. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FEDUP? (The antitrust laws would probably prevent this one from ever happening. However, I do know someone who refers to the merged shipping/quick-print shops as "Fed-Up Stinkos.")

10. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

11. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? Can any bald man help us out here?

12. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me...they're cramming for their final exam.

13. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?

Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

14. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

15. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (OK, this one is absolutely true.)

16. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

17. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose?

18. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

19. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells..."THEIRS"?
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DEFINITIONS

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines

2 comments:

  1. I always thought eleven should be pronounced Oneteen, LOL

    ReplyDelete
  2. LisaMM - That would make sense, too :-).

    ReplyDelete

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