Relationship bargaining

I started following the Aisledash wedding blog because a couple of my favorite bloggers became contributors, but there's a lot of good content there even if you're not currently a bride- (or groom-)to-be. If your interest isn't just in weddings, but on the marriage relationship that follows one, they're talking about that too.

This relationship-related item, about a story from the Today Show's website, made me cringe:

In short, a married man asked Dr. Gail Saltz, a Today show contributor, about his wife suggesting that he seek sex outside their marriage instead of marriage counseling, like he said he offered. According to the husband, his wife said, "To save time and to save our marriage, I give you permission to get your sex with other women...All I ask is that you be safe at all times, don't knock anyone up and don't bring it into our home at all."

Aisledash blogger Heather Hawkins reacted:

To me, it's just a lazy solution for a much bigger problem, and I completely agree with Dr. Saltz's assessment:

"It sounds as though your wife has largely opted out of this relationship. She apparently is neither interested in romance and passion with you, nor in trying to figure out where it went and how to get it back. Yet she doesn't want to lose the life or partnership you have together...Someone who truly wants a marriage to work does not grant his or her spouse permission to seek sex elsewhere."

It's unfortunate, but I've known many women and men who've lost the passion in their marriages and decide that this is a viable option rather than trying to find a better solution. And, if a relationship, especially one that has lasted many years, is in fact doomed to end, it can be even more difficult to accept what some consider failure. But isn't failure when you don't even try?

In the original item, Dr. Saltz described the wife's proposal as "retro and problematic":

There was a time, decades ago, when some women chose to look the other way and let someone else “take care of” their man’s sexual needs because they preferred not to. This is no longer that time.

The reason I cringed when I read this was that, a little less than ten years ago, I - almost - could have been that guy's wife.

If there's any truth in the cliché that the things couples conflict over most often are sex and money...well, First Husband and I rarely had issues about money. We weren't exactly in the same ballpark as far as our physical needs and wants, though. I felt pressured and fearful, he felt denied and rejected, and although he would say that this was his only complaint, and "on balance, it was good," he said that a lot, so maybe it wasn't so good on balance after all. As for me, I didn't feel free to complain much about anything, at least not openly. However, I can't imagine I could ever have directly opted out in the way this guy's wife has. And ultimately, in our case, permission didn't matter - he went elsewhere anyway. We separated, reunited, and got counseling (which I should note sometimes is most helpful in identifying what you can't reconcile, like it or not; it's not a guaranteed fix), but the foundation was too damaged to repair - because in our case, and probably in this couple's as well, it's really about other things besides sex.

The part I relate to more, though, is wanting to hold on to the life and the day-to-day partnership - to keep the marriage in structure, if not in content, if that makes sense - even in the face of this non-functioning element, a Major Issue if ever there was one. I was willing to do that, for awhile, and even argued in favor of it. In hindsight, I'm lucky that he disagreed. We were living in a very painful situation; divorce eventually abated that particular pain. The failure of a 17-year marriage was a different variety of pain, one that was healed by time, distance, and new love.

However, the fact that I seriously considered, and even wanted, the "retro and problematic" situation of hanging onto that particular life is what prompts me to say sometimes that "no one really knows what goes on in a relationship except the people in it - and sometimes they're not sure either." People make bargains with each other in relationships all the time - sometimes openly, sometimes not. Sometimes it's a very functional process of negotiation and compromise, focused on the health of the relationship. Sometimes it's something entirely different. Sometimes there are things they agree to disagree about, or to disregard. And sometimes honest communication is scary, or just too bloody difficult.

I learned a lot from the decline and fall of my first marriage, and much of it concerns things that I won't do, or don't want to have happen, in my second one. There are some bargains I wouldn't be willing to make this time - but there's a lot more faith that I won't be in a position where I'd have to consider them, either. As for the Today Show couple, no one but them really knows what's going on in their relationship, but it sounds like they're going to be making some unpleasant bargains - or ending negotiations entirely - before too long.

As a somewhat more upbeat follow-up, Heather posted this item a couple of days later, also via Dr. Saltz and Today. If you don't want to head down the road the couple discussed above seems to be on, here are a few simple suggestions for marriage maintenance (comments added):

• Be flexible, or pick someone similar to you. Naturally, the compromising gap is always going to be smaller if you and your partner have similar morals, goals, values, and ways of thinking in general. Unless a couple is extremely flexible in compromising, having commonality will help your relationship stay strong.

• Give 80 percent. If you're giving 100 percent, that leaves nothing for yourself – a big mistake. However, giving love breeds love, and your partner should receive the majority of your passion. (Also, I'd add that there are two people in the relationship, so all the giving shouldn't be on one side; ideally, your partner wants to give 80% too.)
  

• Love on balance. This means it's OK if you don't love everything about your partner (and realistically, all the time, you probably won't. Just remember that works both ways too!)
  

• Treasure your "life history." No one else in your life can fully understand that history but your partner, so treasure that intimacy.